Anger, Shame, and the Gifts of Growth in Synchronicity

9 Jul

Written By Jordan

Anger is a map, shame is a cage, and synchronicity is a nudge from the universe. Here’s how embracing these truths transformed my creative journey, and how they might reshape yours. An entry into my commonplace book: quotes, ideas, and observations I found interesting in the Week 3 chapter of The Artist’s Way.

You know when you have read something so many times and know it to be true, but you still have a hard time really believing it in your core? That’s me and emotions. As someone who feels so much all the time, about any and everything, my own feelings and those of others, it can be exhausting. Overwhelming. Depressing even. And it is often shared that feeling deeply is not a weakness. And while I do think there is truth in it, I think my belief around it is that I wish it wasn’t. Because until you genuinely feel all of it, it’s not something that makes you feel strong or feels like something to brag about. Clearly, this is something I need to stop avoiding or dancing around because, lo and behold, the chapter about recovering a sense of power is all about emotions and feelings.

Anger Directs You

The opening emotion discussed is anger. Now, I’m not a particularly angry person. In fact, it’s an emotion I try to move through quickly. Melancholy? Prone to it. Happiness? Love it. But anger? Well, actually, when I think about it… I’m angry at the state of much of the world. I’m angry watching my country deteriorate because of corrupt, selfish fools. I’m angry at the injustice faced by far too many people. I’m angry at division fuelled by people who don’t want more eyes on their shady dealings. Thinking now, I suppose I feel angry quite often. And yes, it leads to crying, hopelessness, and dejection. Because anger is not an emotion I dwell upon much, nor have really explored, I found Julia’s way of explaining quite interesting:

“Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger is a voice, a shout, a plea, a demand. Anger is meant to be respected. Why? Because anger is a map. Anger shows us what our boundaries are. Anger shows us where we want to go. It lets us see where we’ve been and lets us know when we haven’t liked it. Anger points the way, not just the finger.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

In the Pixar film Inside Out 2, Joy has a mini-meltdown of sorts as Fear, Disgust, and Anger watch in shock. Of the three, it is Anger who supports her, saying: “Joy, you’ve made a lot of mistakes- a lot. And you’ll make a whole lot more in the future. But if you let that stop you, we might as well lie down and give up now… Come on”. He tells her that they’re right behind her, and they continue on. He invites her action. In another scene, Anxiety is stressing out the imaginators, and it is Anger who says to them, "Anxiety's got you all chained to desks drawing nightmares, but you don't have to take it anymore!" It wasn’t Joy who made everyone feel better, it was Anger who asked them to maintain boundaries and to act with their best interests. This film illustrates what Julia says in the following quote, but in a way that children can understand:

“Anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into our new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full.
Sloth, apathy, and despair are the enemy. Anger is not. Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us that it is time to act in our own best interests. Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

When thinking about superhero and villain stories, it also becomes clear when anger is as a directive versus destructive force. Batman and Captain America direct their anger at injustice and tyranny into positive action. Likewise, Princess Leia lets her anger fuel her determination and leadership in the Rebel Alliance. While villains like the Joker and Magneto choose to act out their rage in chaotic and destructive ways. Anakin uses his anger as a tool of oppression, vengeance, and excuse for violence.

“Anger is meant to be acted upon. It is not meant to be acted out. Anger points the direction. We are meant to use anger as fuel to take the actions we need to move where our anger points us. With a little thought, we can usually translate the message that our anger is sending us.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

Shame Paralyses You

I often see the internet sentiment that shame needs to be brought back. And while I agree that some people need to be ashamed of their behaviour and held accountable, the internet mob often takes it to the extreme. All too frequently, these engagements end with the calling for violence and death to the person and their family. I find the dehumanisation often overshadows the conversation, turning it into a spectacle rather than addressing the real issue. Valid criticism becomes diluted with cruelty and self-serving agendas. This type of criticism becomes damaging rather than constructive. When thinking about art, Julia goes on to say that even the perfectionist friend can unknowingly discourage a budding artist with their nitpicking critiques. Knowing when and how to criticise and knowing when and who to ask it from is the skill that needs to be learned by many.

“Let me be clear. Not all criticism is shaming. In fact, even the most severe criticism when it fairly hits the mark is apt to be greeted by an internal Ah-hah! if it shows the artist a new and valid path for work. The criticism that damages is that which disparages, dismisses, ridicules, or condemns. It is frequently vicious but vague and difficult to refute. This is the criticism that damages.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

When I think about stories around shame, I think of Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender and P.T. Barnum from The Greatest Showman.

Throughout the series, my heart ached for Zuko. And his entire arc is an incredible, raw exploration of anger, shame, and the long, arduous path to redemption. He spends so much of the series driven by a desperate need for his father's approval and to reclaim his "honour," which he believes can only be achieved by capturing the Avatar. This quest is fuelled by a profound sense of shame stemming from his banishment and perceived failure. His anger often erupts as a destructive force, lashing out at those closest to him (like Uncle Iroh) and leading him down dark paths. What makes his arc so powerful is the gradual, painful process of confronting these emotions. He has to literally burn through his old identity, make terrible mistakes, and eventually choose a different path. It's through acknowledging his shame and anger that he can finally begin to heal and find his true purpose. And maybe his journey embodies the idea that feeling deeply isn't a weakness, even when those feelings are incredibly difficult. It is when you flow with emotions, letting them direct you rather than destroy and consume you, that you recover a sense of power.

And though Zuko’s story is about his life and not his art, it has a lot to do with living a happy life. And my suspicion, as I read more of this book, is that The Artist’s Way isn’t about coming out after 12 weeks to write a bestseller or paint a masterpiece (though entirely possible). I think it’s about learning to live a more creative life, and that means being open to the world – the good, the bad, the complicated.

Like ATLA, I regularly rewatch The Greatest Showman. I find shame to be a central theme in the film. Barnum’s shame is rooted in his childhood and social standing. His shame manifests in his craving for acceptance (chasing cheers, buying his way in, and introducing ‘highbrow’ entertainment with Jenny Lind to prove himself ‘worthy’). The turning point is when he has to confront his shame when he hits rock bottom (circus in literal ashes, Charity and his children living with her parents). When the external validation is lost, he is lost. Lettie confronts him (his shame) when she says to him:

“Shut up, Barnum. You just don’t get it. Our own mothers were ashamed of us. Hid us our whole lives. Then you pull us out of the shadows. And now you’re giving up on us, too. Maybe you are a fraud. Maybe it was just about making a buck. But you gave us real family.”

Phillip Carlyle says in a later scene:

“You know, Barnum… when I first met you… I had an inheritance, acclaim, an invitation to every party in town. And now, thanks to you, all that’s gone. All that’s left is friendship, love, and work that I adore. You brought joy into my life.”

Barnum's journey in this film is an illustration of how the avoidance of shame can drive a relentless pursuit of external validation, often at the expense of genuine connection and self-acceptance. His redemption comes when he stops chasing the cheers and instead embraces the love and acceptance of a few good people who saw his worth all along. It was then that he recovered his sense of power. Similarly, when the circus performers sing This Is Me, they directly confront shame, reclaiming their identity from external criticism, and the strength felt in the song lies in the authentic vulnerability of these ‘oddities’ turned heroes. Julia touches on this in the book:

“Because the antidote for shame is self-love and self-praise, this is what I did. I went for a walk through Rock Creek Park. I prayed. I made a list for myself of past compliments and good reviews. I did not tell myself, “It doesn’t matter.” But I did tell my artist self, “You will heal.”“ ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

In many ways, I think I have been spared of shame in my art. Probably because I never put it out for anyone to criticise. And though I fall into the conundrum of my wanting my work to be recognised but not interested in the spotlight that comes with it, I’m working on it. While anger and shame aren’t necessarily common emotions I feel, I will carry this way of thinking about them with me for future experiences.

tarot card spread: six of swords, page of wands, nine of pentacles

Synchronicity Helps You Grow

There have been a few times when things were so synchronous it astounded me. One such time was in 2019. I wanted so much to change in my life (read: myself) that I convinced myself moving would be the change I needed (read: anything but working on myself). So, I convinced my husband that moving to Germany would be good for both of us. He had the passport, could speak the language, and has family there. What could go wrong? We applied at the Embassy for a family reunification visa for me to move over with him, and were told not to contact them for 3 months so they had time to work on the application. We had some time to wind down, have a break, spend time with family and friends before leaving. But within a few weeks I received the visa and the date on it was the end of February. I think it was less than a month away. It was my idea to move, my plan for a fresh start, and I burst into tears because why was it happening so soon?

“Answered prayers are scary. They imply responsibility. You asked for it. Now that you’ve got it, what are you going to do? Why else the cautionary phrase “Watch out for what you pray for; you just might get it”?” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

And just like that, we moved continents. We started with the bureaucracy that is life in Germany. And a few weeks later, the world shut down with the pandemic. Where... I had nothing but time to work on myself.

“In my experience, the universe falls in with worthy plans and most especially with festive and expansive ones. I have seldom conceived a delicious plan without being given the means to accomplish it. Understand that the what must come before the how. First choose what you would do. The how usually falls into place of itself.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity.

And I did. I grew a lot during that time. It’s how this blog came to be and how I managed to finish my Doctorate. It was both messy and not. There was a lost of faith and trust in the process, in believing the universe had our back and that everything would work out as it needed to. As I wrote more, I healed more. As I practised gratitude more, I healed more. And when we moved, and found a green oasis in the city to live next to, there was no doubt in my mind that the universe had our backs the whole time.

“Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. A creative recovery is a healing process. You are capable of great things on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you may slide backward. This is normal… Very often, a week of insights will be followed by a week of sluggishness.” ~ Julia Cameron. The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity.

I am Brave, Bold, and Beautiful

Growing up, my mom would repeat affirmations with us, and I repeat to this day (with my husband now repeating them too). The one I say most is: I am happy, healthy, wealthy, and well. As a shy and self-conscious child, my mom would also get me to say I am brave, bold, and beautiful. This is one I said less frequently because it so opposite to every belief I had about myself. But throughout this artist’s way journey, it is one that comes to mind more and more. I have done a lot of work to be more self-accepting and confident in my adulthood. And this affirmation provided to little-me has helped grown-up-me more than I ever thought.

The weekly tasks related a lot to childhood, as they tend to do. One was to describe your childhood room. My mom is an artist through and through, though single-mom life often meant that was sacrificed for herself. But, she expressed it with us. The childhood room I remember most was painted purple and green (hello, blog colours). My mom painted a hall wall of green bricks and then purple sky. There were fairies around the room and a mosquito net surrounding the bed like the princess draped beds I saw in Disney films. It was a safe, imaginative space that I miss.

Recovering a sense of power in this chapter made me realise how strong my roots are because of who my mother is and what she did for us. She’s the bravest, boldest, and most beautiful of all. And all she’s ever done is try to protect me and lift me up as I walked my life’s path. Though we haven’t walked together in a long time, she still guides me as I hear her words from my childhood echoing in my adulthood. That little girl who once dreamed beneath purple clouds surrounded by fairies is still within me… reminding me I’ve always been an artist (even before I had the words for it).

Things That Found Me This Week

As if the universe was reiterating these lessons, a powerful message found its way to me this week when a stranger sent me a message on Pinterest, with a pin that read:

How I got out of my own way:

I stopped making excuses and started doing the work
I started believing that I could make a positive difference
I stopped unhealthily longing to be validated by outside sources
I started addressing my anxiety and depression in therapy
I stopped speaking down to myself and self-sabotaging
I started surrounding myself with positive, kind, and like-minded people
I stopped waiting for folks to love me who couldn’t, weren’t meant to, and didn’t want to
I started loving myself unconditionally – even when it was hard
I stopped tricking myself out of my blessings
I started standing in joy
I stopped running from myself
I started facing my pain and taking my time with my healing