Week 1 of The Artist’s Way asked me to confront my shadow artist (the part of me that craves creativity but fears exposure). Here’s how Schitt’s Creek, a tornado documentary, and a hard truth (I am the monster) helped me begin to recover a sense of safety and step into the light. An entry into my commonplace book: quotes, ideas, and observations I found interesting in the Week 1 chapter of The Artist’s Way.

The Hiding Place of Shadow Artists: Not Choosing Audacity Over Talent

This week was about recovering a sense of safety as a creative being. The chapter opens with understanding shadow artists and how they come to be. Often, they are low in self-worth and believe art is for others. Perhaps, encouraged to pursue professions that use their creativity in more confined roles like becoming a teacher when they’re crafty, a lawyer when they like writing, a therapist to help rewrite narratives, or advertising to tell fiction. You know, jobs that will pay the bills.

Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. Very often audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist—hiding in the shadows, afraid to step out and expose the dream to the light, fearful that it will disintegrate to the touch. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

I thought of what I wrote a few days ago: filling my algorithms with artists from different disciplines. Watching, admiring, supporting … from the shadows. Many of them aren’t savants and are simply sharing their journey on this artistic path. So, the question becomes: Am I audacious enough to join them?

For all shadow artists, life may be a discontented experience, filled with a sense of missed purpose and unfulfilled promise. They want to write. They want to paint. They want to act, make music, dance … but they are afraid to take themselves seriously. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

There are so many moments when I want to take myself seriously as a writer and creative, but never seriously enough to actually be serious about it, if you know what I mean. I figured the safest way to be an artist was to follow ‘formulas that worked’ or read and listen to enough sources to ‘do it the right way’ when creating content and storytelling. That way there was no failure, no embarrassment, no real risk. And yet, despite all the research, that’s where most of the action stopped. Because no matter the amount of preparation, the safest place is in the shadows.

In order to move from the realm of shadows into the light of creativity, shadow artists must learn to take themselves seriously. With gentle, deliberate effort, they must nurture their artist child. Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to allow themselves to play is hard work. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

I have published posts on rediscovering play as an adult, ways to explore self-expression, finding hobbies that you enjoy and don’t have to be good at, and affirmations for creativity. There is clearly a part of me, perhaps my soul calling out direction, that has researched these different ways of being creative (without being a painter, dancer, illustrator, musician) because I want out of the shadows. But truth be told, a lot was left in the words and a little was given in action to change anything in my life.

Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must be willing to be a bad artist. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. By being willing to be a bad artist, you have a chance to be an artist, and perhaps, over time, a very good one.
When I make this point in teaching, I am met by instant, defensive hostility: “But do you know how old I will be by the time I learn to really play the piano/act/paint/write a decent play?” Yes … the same age you will be if you don’t. So let’s start. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

I know this. I encourage others with these same words. But I can’t seem to give myself the same grace.

This is seldom a conscious decision. It is more often an unconscious response to internalized negative beliefs. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

shadows of two hands, one above the other, palms facing each other

The Monster in the Mirror: Facing Self-Sabotage on My Artist’s Journey

Part of the chapter discusses your enemy within and the core negative beliefs you hold about yourself and creativity.

Negative beliefs are exactly that: beliefs, not facts. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

Unsurprisingly, this part of the chapter was very confronting for me. My brother and I have this conversation too often – the one of knowing what needs to change and how to go about it, but then not changing or letting our moods sweep us off the disciplined path. We give each other the same advice: to be kinder and gentler when talking about yourself, but again not taking the advice and making enough changes.

An affirmation is a positive statement of (positive) belief, and if we can become one-tenth as good at positive self-talk as we are at negative self-talk, we will notice an enormous change. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

One of the assignments this week was to identify 3 historic monsters and 3 champions. After reading the assignment and quickly reflecting, I thought the monsters were fairly easy to identify, as were my champions. Before writing them down, I sat on the couch and pressed play on the Schitt’s Creek episode.

In season 3, David applies to open his store. In around Episode 8, he meets Patrick, who will help him apply for the business licence. He tells Stevie about the interaction and says Patrick told him the store would be a failure. Naturally, being David’s best friend, Stevie was shocked and asked exactly what Patrick said. David then admits that Patrick didn’t expressly say it, but he implied it. Patrick didn’t, but David got that from the interaction because he doubted himself – Patrick could have become a historic monster for him if he hadn’t concluded it was himself who took that as the message given.

This is our annual rewatch, so nothing was new. But I guess this time I was watching it with other things playing in my mind. Reflecting on my monsters and the other instances that came to mind when doing the assignment, I realised how many times I was my own monster. The times I interpreted silence as disapproval, or praise as pity. All the time, re-telling myself that I am not creative, let alone a creator. The number of times I restrained and limited my younger self makes me tear up … how sorry I am to that little girl. And how on this artist’s way, I need to make her feel the sense of safety too.

Remember, your artist is a child. Find and protect that child. ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

A Second Life (Without Nearly Dying, Please)

We watched the Twisters documentary on Netflix (about the tornado that decimated the town of Joplin). One of the survivors shared her harrowing, terrifying experience and how her confidence exploded afterwards because she wasn’t scared of anything any more. It reminded me of the quote by Confucius:

"We have two lives, and the second begins when we realise we only have one."

Do I have to come that close to death to choose to live fully and confidently? Or can I learn from others instead and start living my second life now? Am I audacious enough to create and have it to be seen? I think of The Invitation, and wonder if I dare to dream of my heart’s longing, risk looking a fool for my dream, dance in the wilderness without always remembering the limitations of being human. Am I willing to stand in the centre of the fire and not shrink back? Am I losing anything but trying compared to how much I gain?

Permission to Be Seen: When Being Seen Feels Unsafe

I joined Threads last year when I was in one of those, ‘I’m going to do this’ moods (and since then, I have been inactive on the platform - shocker). One of the people I followed was Khadaura Roshan and I had signed up for his mailing list, Built for This. This was what I opened in Week 1, the week of recovering a sense of safety:

I used to disappear all the time.

I'd show up online with clarity.

I’d have a surge of inspiration, post something real, something that actually meant something to me - and the response would be overwhelming.

And not in a bad way.

People loved it. Resonated with it. Shared it.

Opportunities would open up. New people would find my work. I'd finally feel seen.

And then?

Gone.

I'd vanish.

Not because I didn’t care. Not because I wasn’t grateful.

But because some invisible part of me couldn’t hold the weight of being witnessed.

I used to call it rest. Tell myself I needed space.

Blame the algorithm.

Blame the audience.

Blame myself.

But over time, I started to see the pattern for what it really was:

Not a content problem.

Not a strategy problem.

Not even a discipline problem.

It was identity dissonance.

The version of me that was “showing up” wasn’t the one I trusted.

And when your inner world doesn’t trust the self you’re putting out into the world…

It pulls the plug on your presence.

And I thought, “this is me.” I want my work to be recognised but I don’t want the weight of being witnessed, of being seen. Was this why I’d start blogs only to abandon them? Was this why I’d show up on social media only to hide when the exposure became too much? Is this what Julia was referring to when she said shadow artists are fearful that a dream in the light would disintegrate?

Gosh, I do get tired of my overthinking. I just want to be free and fearless. So why aren’t I?

Things That Found Me This Week

Letters of Annawin:

In English, we say, “I don’t know what to do.”

In poetry, we say, “I kneel before the One who holds the map when I can’t see the road.”

By ALLYISLIA

I don’t think we talk enough about the in betweens. The part when you know you want to change something but don’t yet know how, don’t yet feel strong enough, don’t yet know what your first step is. So to the people in the in betweens, please don’t give up. You’ve done the hard part, now just take it one small step at a time.

A big part of who I am is who I'm not.

Pinterest Board:

Saving the messages I receive while on The Artist’s Way: The Artists Way Synchronicities

Shadow Artist No More? How Week 1 of The Artist’s Way Exposed My Creative Fears