Creating a Family Gap Plan Inspired by Brené Brown

Create a family gap plan (the essentials and options) while understanding the benefits of having one, and thinking about a personal gap plan.

Dear Spirited Earthling,

In an early episode of Unlocking Us with Brené Brown, she shares the concept and application of a family gap plan that could be useful to listeners during the COVID-19 pandemic. It must be said that there is a place for a family gap plan whether there is a world pandemic, a war in a neighbouring country, pressure to meet deadlines, or not.

Relationships are 50/50 is a Myth

It is often said that relationships are 50/50, where each partner gives 50% and together 100% of their needs are met. There is ‘fairness’ in the effort and receiving. But how true is this idea?

The only constant in life is change. There are times of bliss and moments of despair, periods of stress and times of ease. This means that you likely won’t always be able to give 50% to your partner, and vice versa.

If you can only give 20%, can your partner give 80%? When your partner can only give 30%, can you give 70%? What happens if both of you can only give 20 % and there is a 60 % deficit? This is where having a family gap plan comes in.

What is a Family Gap Plan?

Brené and her family have been using a family gap plan since at least 2010. The idea and use of one came to be when Brené started travelling more for work. She was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed. But her husband was looking forward to her being home to help with the kids, carpooling, household responsibilities etc. He was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed.

They both couldn’t give what the other wanted and eventually, these “back door fights” led to a discussion on creating a family gap plan. Tip: This planning was not during the fights, but when both Brené and her husband were in a good place.

The family sat down to discuss what happens when she can only give 15%, and he can only give 40%. There’s a 45 % gap to reach 100. Their children were included in the family gap plan because as a household they may be able to reach the 100.

Creating a Family Gap Plan: The Essentials

You may be wondering what to include in a family gap plan. Brené explains that each family member needs to do the following to bring up their levels:

• Sleep: Have 8 hours of sleep minimum. Go to bed early. Switch off devices. Stay off the news before bed.

• Move: Moving the body (run, walk, stretch, dance) releases anxiety, grief, stress, and whatever other heavy things you’re carrying.   

• Healthy eating: Nourish your body with more fruits, vegetables, and grains.  

Creating a Family Gap Plan: The Options

What else does your family need to do to bring up their number? Brené and family included:

• No harsh words (don’t lash out at the people around you for external reasons, leave your bad mood at the door and rather don’t say anything if you have nothing nice to say)

• No nice words with harsh faces (being nice and kind means less when your face is harsh and bitter)

• Say you’re sorry (apologise when you’ve done something wrong, hurt someone’s feelings, or aren’t showing up the way you want to / should be)

• Accept apologies with thank you (apologies should be based on the acceptance the apology for the hurt caused, and not based on placating the apologists’ feelings)

• Puns and knock-knock jokes (jokes bring levity, smiles release tension you don’t realise you’re carrying in your face)

I would add show appreciation and gratitude. Thank your partner for loading and unloading the dishwasher. Thank your child for making the bed without asking. Thank your partner for their efforts and show them your gratitude in a way you know they will love (what is their top love language? If you don’t know - ask).

What are the Benefits of Having a Family Gap Plan

Having a family gap plan where you and your partner (and kids if you have) share how much you can give to the relationship opens up honest communication - one of the greatest benefits. Where are you really? What is going on in your life that you can’t give your 50 %? By sharing more openly, you know what is going on in each other’s lives, and you have a plan that is based in kindness and empathy to cover the gap.

This idea isn’t about constant compromise on your needs to give more to your partner. It’s creating a teamwork strategy, if you will, that serves both of you and your relationship. The benefit of having a family gap plan is that your relationships are based on cooperation and not compromise. I understand the family gap plan to be a commitment to the relationship and not only your half.

Creating a Personal Gap Plan

Creating a family gap plan can help you identify what your personal gap plan can include. When your energy is low, what are your self-care practices? What keeps you at your best?

Commit to yourself and your needs. In turn, you’re committing to your relationship. Practising self-care every day creates habits that keep you operating in a more sustainable way.

Think of this cup analogy: You have a cup, and you decide what to fill your cup with. You could fill it with gratitude, happiness, and peace. You could fill it with anger, frustration, and jealousy. Life happens, and your cup will spill - so what’s coming out? What’s in your cup? Choosing to fill your cup with positive attitudes and sustainable self-care practices means that when your cup spills, you have a base of healthy habits that keep you going and help you cope with the upset.

Personal Growth Tips: Communicate with your partner and each agree to be the best partner you can be at that time. Use the three family plan essentials and add actions that will bring up your numbers to reach 100 %. Apologise when you’re not showing up the way you want, and accept apologies gracefully. Practice personal self-care daily.

Spirited Earthling isn't just a blog; it's a place where kindred spirits can explore the worlds of self-development, self-care, and spirituality along this adventure called life. Designed for those with curious minds and spiritual hearts, this site can be like a guiding compass to bring mindfulness and intentionality into every step of our journey.

As you journey through these words and ideas, remember that inspiration thrives when shared. Consider gifting someone a ticket to their own transformative voyage by sharing this blog, or even just this post. By doing so, you're not just sharing knowledge – you could be igniting a spark of inspiration and possibility in another soul. Together, let's encourage a movement of mindful, spirited living. For in sharing, connecting, and uplifting, we each walk our paths with positivity and growth.

Thank you for being part of this community.

Best wishes, warmest regards

Jordan

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Listen to the podcast episode here (she also discusses comparative suffering in the episode).

Affirmations: I am grateful for the joy my relationship brings me. I feel loved and secure in my relationship. My partner and I go out of our way to support each other.

Exercise: Create a family gap plan and communicate more. Do something kind for your partner each day.

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